I was about to say, "Sometimes I hate coming home." but that's not it. Sometimes I hate coming home when my sister is here. I swear, I don't know what it is, but I just can't help but always get into a fight with her! And what I hate, is I know that lately, I think it's been because of me. I don't know if it really IS my fault, or if she just is really good at making me feel guilty. All I know is, I am ALWAYS the one apologizing in the end and making a fool of myself. Maybe I am a fool, I don't know. All I know, is I hate it! Seriously, I'm crying right now, gosh darn it. THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES TO ME!!!! I was getting really upset with her, and she was all going on like, "Jane, how long have you been taking the pill? It's really starting to affect you" and "Looks like you're about to cry- are you about to cry???" And I totally wasn't about to cry, she just makes me feel so inferior!

I'm just going to talk about what happen, and even though it probably will prove I was in the wrong, I just have to get it all out, even if it makes me look like a stupid idiot.

It was over the gosh darn TV. That fucking piece of equipment that can sometimes just suck you in so much that you lose yourself. It was kind of late, and I was watching this really interesting documentary that I've been wanting to see for about a year. I was about half an hour into it, and even though I was a bit tired, I was enjoying just having that time to relax on the couch watching what I've been looking forward to. My sister walks in and is just like, "Hey, can I watch TV?" and I was just like, "Huh? Oh, sure." And handed over the remote. She was just kind of flipping through the channels for a minute, when I realized, "Hey- you know what? I was enjoying what I was watching! I had been looking forward to that for months, and now the TV is just being used to mindlessly flip through reality shows and who knows what else." So I stupidly ask, "Hey you know what, I changed my mind. Can I have the remote back?" I know it was a stupid decision, and I just shouldn't have said it. We ended up getting in a ridiculous argument, and I know I stupidly just got out of control. It's what she does to me, and I can't stand it!!!!!! She makes me seem like I'm crazy and immature and ridiculous, and I NEVER try to be that way!

She watches TV ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I mean ALL THE TIME. Sometimes at home, she will spend hours upon hours, (I'm talking like 6-8 hours here, ok??) just mindlessly watching TV, and when I ask to watch something, she never lets me.

None of this matters though. I know I was in the wrong, and what I hate, is that apparently, I ALWAYS AM. But that can't be it, can it? How can I be the one who wants to end, and yet always starts, these arguments?? It can't be all my fault, right? It takes two? All I know is it annoying as fuck. Whatever the heck goes on with us, I don't know.

In the end, I just pretty much called a truce. I just said, "look, let's just neither of us watch TV tonight and just move on. Forget this happened, blah blah blah..." I think she agreed, but I don't believe her. It's hard to believe her, just like she probably thinks it's hard to believe me. WHAT THE FUCK. GOSHDARNIT I CAN BE SUCH A NICE PERSON, BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. This is all just a huge rant right now, and I don't even care.

Uugh

I can't help that I just naturally make my mom mad! I just sometimes thinks it's weird that she's making these friends and hanging out with people who are MY AGE. Going back to school for your masters is great and all, but I just feel like when she's with her 'college friends' she's totally this person I don't know. It just seems fake to me or something. I know she's not, it's just like, "Am I the only one who would think it's kind of weird to hang out socially with someone who's twice my age?"

What happened was I called mom to let her know I'm coming home on Wednesday for break, and that we should go see 'The Help' at the dollar theater. I suggested for that Wednesday night, and she said she's going over to a friend's house to watch a movie, so I just questioned, "Why??" I think it might have sounded harsher than I intended, but I think I just was legitimately confused! So then she was just like, "GOSH why do y'all do that?!" (meaning me and my sister, I think) and went on this little rant about it.

Ok, WHY do I think it's kind of weird? I just don't like seeing my mom trying to act my age with people who are my age. It's weird. If she's such this great friend or person or whatever to hang out with, with other college people who are my age, then why don't I get to see that? Why is it the mom I always see is busy up in the study working on some paper or project or is just too busy in general to have any fun. Or if she is spending time with us, it's with some laptop or iPhone project open on the side.

I think I'm just starting to worry about the break a bit. I don't want there to be family drama at all, which would be a really odd thing to happen. Maybe I need to work on my own tactics for this (don't be negative, let things go, just do what you're asked and don't question it). I'm looking forward to being home, I just don't want to screw it up.

Dream

I really hope no one actually reads my blog, cause this is about to get on the verge of 'diary' here.

I had such an amazing dream last night. I've been thinking about it all day, and I just can't get it out of my mind, because I don't want to.

I was in love.

Someone was in love with me.

And it was wonderful.

My mind picked a pretty random person for me to be in love with (it was the guy who plays Finn on Glee. I have NO idea where that came from, but it was actually really nice.) The dream was just me and him (for some reason, his name was Evan) spending time together at my house in Austin, meeting my parents, then hanging out together downtown. But what I loved about the dream was just the feelings I had. Someone loved me. Someone cared for me, thought I was beautiful, and didn't care that I'd never had a boyfriend before. That as also kind of a theme in the dream too. If we'd kiss, sometimes I'd be like, "Sorry, I don't even know if I'm any good at this!" and it was kind of silly. And when he met my parents (we were in the kitchen) I just ran into his arms and we just hugged for so long while we talked. I know how silly this all sounds, but seriously... I hate that it was just a dream. I felt so happy. So loved. Protected, cherished, cared for, special- you name it! I just remember I kept thinking, "Why me? Out of all the people in the world, you love and care for me?"

It was all just so romantic. (And no, in case anyone's wondering, this wasn't THAT kind of dream, if you know what I'm saying. I don't go that way in my subconscious.) My favorite part was when I was introducing him to my parents, and I just was so content to be held so close when we hugged. He just thought I was so endearing and lovable, and no one's ever acted that way before. I just felt so special. So complete. Like this is what I've been waiting for my whole life. That I'd never be alone again. That there would always be someone there for me, and I for him.

I literally cannot imagine this ever being real. It honestly would seem so weird! Like, I'm kidding you not, I cannot imagine myself getting ready to go on a date and sitting at a table with a guy just getting to know each other, or even kissing and holding hands and stuff, because it has never happened before! I kept thinking about this dream all day because of how much I wish it had been real. I felt so happy and content, and this was a feeling I had never had before in my whole life. I just wish it could come true someday. After all,

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

I've never believed in that so much as I do now. After all these years, this is still what I want.

I hated waking up. My alarm went off, and I just felt heartbroken. It had all been a dream... nothing more. I wanted so badly to just go back to sleep and drift back into that perfect world, but I knew it couldn't happen. All I have is that memory and feeling to hold on to.

As I was getting ready for the day, all I could think about was, "How can I make this happen? Hoe can I make this real?" I literally have no idea. How do people do it? Find love? I know this is all so silly, I just want to have those feelings for real. This wasn't about getting married and having kids and stuff, it was just about the simplicity of being loved and adored. I think I have so much to give, and I just pray that someday this dream will become a reality.

I've realized this kinda just reminds me of some Disney stuff (surprise, surprise)

1. Sleeping Beauty's dream prince (1:36-2:30)

2. The whole 'A Dream Is A Wish' thing

Grossness

Ok, is it possible that after eating better your body starts to reject food that's bad for you? Just curious.

I was at the store today and decided to just try making something that I hadn't had since high school. Hamburger Helper. My family had it a few times a year or so growing up, so I remembered liking it. I knew Wednesday I would be going to Sprouts for the REAL shopping of the week, so that's why I decided to buy hamburger helper. The meal was just 5 bucks, and I didn't have anything else at home besides crackers and granola bars.

Let me tell you... it was disgusting!!!!!!!!!! I made peas and carrots and the lasagna hamburger helper for dinner. The first few bites were ok, it just tasted kind of slimy and weird. It actually had sound effects of slime! Grossest thing ever.

I ate all my veggies I made, and just ended up throwing out the rest of my dinner. It makes a ton of food, so I did save the rest of the hamburger helper in a tupperware just so it doesn't go to waste. It'll probably end up in the garbage in a few days anyway.

But the point is, I'm wondering if honestly my body just doesn't like the yucky food like that anymore? I actually ended up feeling a little sick afterwards, and I really feel like it's because it's some of the worst food I've had in a long while! Even this weekend, I went out to our usual mexican restaurant with my family, and I tried to eat ok while still getting good mexican food. I got spinach enchiladas and rice, and it tasted great! But feeding myself this garbage like a boxed dinner just isn't what I eat anymore. Granted, I'll still make some mac n cheese from time to time and that doesn't do anything to me, but it just makes me wonder, that's all.

Tonight I am making my meal plan for the next 5 days. That's all I'll really need, cause I usually don't eat much on the weekends, and if I do, then usually it's just out with friends. Tuesday-Saturday of next week, I'll be with my whole big family for Thanksgiving!!!! I am STILL going to exercise and try to eat well. Starting tomorrow morning, I am going to get up one hour earlier than normal (7am?) and go on a walk for at least 40 minutes. Just around the neighborhood area. I keep hearing that it's good to start the day that way, and I'll put it to the test!

Uuugh.... still feeling gross from that disgusting hamburger helper. SERIOUSLY don't eat it!

Tomorrow, it's back at the gym. My foot better be ready or else!

Just throwing this out there

Not wanting to brag or boast or anything, but today is a good day. I pulled out a shirt from the back of my closet that I’ve had for a year or so. It was given to me by my parents, and even though I loved it, it was just a bit too small, so I couldn’t wear it. I decided to pull it out today and try wearing it for the first time since then. I’m happy to say that I am comfortably wearing the shirt, and you know what… it’s even a little too big! It’s times like these where I can see there’s results here, so it motivates me more to be healthy! The scale might only have a few pounds difference, but obviously, my body is changing for the better :)

I do believe it's time for shopping! I will buy a new motivation shirt. One that is too small. That way, when it does fit in the future, I will once again know that I'm on the right track! The scale is saying there has been a change, but when the clothes fit different, you know it's really working. Wednesday I will go back to the gym. By then, it will have been 9 days since my sprained ankle, and I think by then it will be healed and ready. I can tell today it's still a bit on the mend, so I'll just do pilates, stretches, and use my 10lb weights for now.

Right now, I weigh 117. My goal is 115 at Thanksgiving, and 110 at Christmas. I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow, so I'll be sure to just stick to the healthy foods. Turkey, multigrain wraps (better instead of just bread I think), cucumbers, carrots, strawberries, 1% milk (I know skim is better, but this is as low as I can go, haha). I need to do some research today on foods to get and make meal plans for the next few days.

For breakfast I usually have been having oatmeal and cinnamon and some fruit since it's been cold out, or other days i'll have bran cereal and fruit. Sometimes yogurt and fruit. Honestly, I don't really eat lunch that much, just a couple snacks throughout the day. Usually carrot sticks and some whole-grain Wasa bread. Dinner really varies alot throughout the week completely. I need to get more regulated on that I think. Sometimes it's just a salad or soup or baked sweet potato. But I think this week I'll try to have more baked chicken and veggies.

The whole point of this post really is just to boost my motivation for the next few weeks. I don't know if this sounds shallow or selfish or anything, but here's kind of my goal. I want to be at Christmas with family and cousins and stuff, and I want people to see a change. It's not that I want attention or anything, but I want there to be a noticeable difference. I think if I went from say... 122 to 110 there could potentially be a noticeable change? I just need to be sure to balance exercising and doing homework. I wouldn't want to be healthier if that means making bad grades too. That's still a priority as well. I just need to get that balance, and then that'd be fabulous.

Le Fin!

My mom makes me feel like a complete idiot.

I was just watching a movie, and there's this just random part of a song that always reminds me of 'The Little Mermaid' just because of some notes and the music and singing and stuff. I didn't think anything of it, so I turned to her and said jokingly, "This part always reminds me of 'The Little Mermaid!" and instead of her asking why or anything, she just gave me this look of pure disgust that made me feel so embarrassed and I just felt shot down.

I know that I'm a dork, but I thought I could be that way around my mom and and not feel ashamed of it. My dad, it's a different story. We just have a different relationship, and he I guess understands more. Mom just doesn't realize what she does when she ridicules things I do or say.

I just really was not in the mood to watch the movie with her after that, so I just went in the bathroom to cool off and probably stop blushing because I felt so embarrassed. I just hated that look she gave me. Just like anyone else would. It seemed to say, "Loser." and I just hated that. At least I felt like one. Thanks a freaking lot, mom. I really needed a good dose of reality.

5 hours later...

At this point my day had improved. I had to decided to go home to Austin for the weekend for a breather, I returned my crutches to the health center, FINISHED reading Hunger Games (awesome) and also just for fun managed to get some Christmas ice cream on sale at the store for a little festivity. I couldn't shake my mind off of Math. I was just dreading how if I did so poorly on my math test, then how badly could I had done on my biology test? I was determined with all my heart to do better on this biology test because I knew how much I wanted a B in this class.

As I was cooking soup for dinner, I casually checked my email and saw the title, "Exam 3" from my biology teacher, and I thought, "Oh god, this is it. She's either emailing me about needing to come to her office about a bad grade, or congratulating me. " I have to say, I really love this teacher by the way. She helped me study for the test in her office, even just a few hours after I sprained my ankle earlier that afternoon. (Seriously, I'm telling ya, I was determined to make a good grade on this test. I even hobbled to her office hours with crutches and a brace after spraining my ankle!)

I braced myself for what the email would entail, when I read,

"Hey Jane,

Just wanted to let you know that you did GREAT on your exam. I'm not supposed to send grades over email but I just wanted to let you know to check Blackboard.

Good job!
~Claudia"

I breathed a sigh of relief, then thought, "Wait a minute. Could this mean like the teachery 'hey, you passed with a 75! good job!' kind of thing? Was she just cheering me on to soften the blow? I knew the only way to know for sure was to check blackboard myself.

Scanning through the numbers and assignments, I braced for it.

Exam 3...... 101.5

101.5?!?!?!?! There has to be some mistake!!! I literally just exhasperated all my breath in shock. ONE HUNDRED AND ONE POINT FIVE??? Honestly, just thinking about it now leaves me a bit speechless. This was exactly the boost I needed after my Math fiasco. Math will still be a big hurdle for me to conquer, but this just proved to me one thing.

I. AM. NOT. STUPID.

I am not a failure. I'm not just a flunk who can only scrape by in school. No.

I can do this. I can do this!

Quite honestly, times like these truly reinforce my desire to be a teacher. Some people might read this and think, "How can you possibly be a teacher, when you aren't even good in school yourself?" But struggling through school like this can really help me relate to students who are struggling themselves.

This also made me ponder about my feelings earlier in the day. Nobody's perfect. As much as I want to be academically, I'm not. And you know what? Maybe those other people aren't either! Maybe they have a class that they just can't seem to grasp a hold on too. It may seem like everyone else is doing so much better than you are, but everyone has their problems. If someone saw my Biology grade, and they did less well then they hoped, then they might have been jealous and angry at me, just like I was at the people cheering in math class. But they wouldn't know. They wouldn't know that I too have flaws. I struggle in classes that you may be experts in! Nobody's perfect, but that doesn't make you a failure. Everyone has something that they excel in and fall behind in. I am so immensley proud and happy of my accomplishment today, and that just honestly gives me more drive to now prove my math teacher wrong! I may not get a B in the class, (hell, I'm just praying I'll pass it!) but I want to show her that I can do this. If I can make a 101.5 in Biology, then I can certainly even make an 81.5 in Math.

See what difference a little time can make

Earlier today, I thought I was having a terrible day and just had to blog about it to get it off my chest. I did not have my laptop with me, so instead I wrote by hand. This day has turned a full 180, but I thought I'd post my original 'rant' to compare my new viewpoint after a little time.

Today at noon. Sitting in the hallway outside my math classroom, just waiting to finish reading Hunger Games. But I could not focus on the book, so I had to get this off my chest.

"I know I'm not good at math, but I've been trying for years, and I just don't understand why I can't get it. I'm trying so hard in my algebra class, and I studied so much for this last test. I got a 64. Literally the first half of the scantron was all clean and correct, and then the last half was pure red. I hate that it seems no matter how hard I try, there's always one class that will always bring me down. I just keep thinking that this is just going to kill my gpa. I'm trying so hard to prove to my parents that I can do this- that I'm NOT stupid. I want to prove them wrong. I want to show them that I AM a straight A, or even straight B student, not just the flunk that I've been since High School. I hate that I hear everyone else cheering, "94! 88! I can't believe it!" and all I keep thinking is, "How?? Why??" Why not me? Why can't I do that? I TRY, I REALLY DO! I'm not gonna cry about this. I'm not! Why does this happen to me every year at every new school? I keep hoping this time it will be different, and it's not. I want to talk to my parents about this, and I don't because it's all what they've heard before, and they're just as sick and tired of it as I am."

It's true, I was having a very crummy morning, but just listen to that tone? So negative! I really need to get out of that. Looking back, I hate that I'm mad at other peoples' success, especially when I had quite the turn of events just a few hours later.

As I sat in the hallway , the thought came into my mind, "The biology test! Oh God... what if I failed that one too? I studied just as hard, if not more, and if I messed up on that one too, then what else is there?" I had come to the conclusion that I was a failure of a student, and that no matter how hard I tried, I'd be stuck in this rut and never get out of school, out of disappointing myself and my parents.

Weekend Trip

After having a CRAZY busy week, I had a quick, but much needed trip back home to Austin. It was only for a couple of days, but it definitely gave me the breather I needed.

Highlights from the trip:

- Sadie barking in her sleep the f

irst night home. I thought it was hilarious and it just made me all the more happy to be back with her.

- Getting a good, and much needed haircut.

- Blessing of the Animals at Church,

where little Sadie got blessed :)

- '101 Dalmatians' Disney drawing

- Making dinner for Mom and Dad. I loved

getting to be able to cook a good meal for them, cause honestly, I think they usually eat out alot, and that can get old. I made pork chops, a gorgonzola pear salad, and mashed sweet potatoes with scallions. Dessert was Halloween chocolate chip cookies :)

Saturday night I went to a friend's apartment to hang out and catch up, and I had a good time. I felt a little, I dunno, innocent compared to my other friends in every way possible. It was kind of annoying that I was so different from them, and they kinda made a big deal about it. I'm sorry that I'm so freaking 'virginal' and I like Disney instead of other things like you do.

Sunday I went to church and then out to lunch and 'Lion King' with Mom and Dad. It was really fun to get to go with them! It was all I really wanted, and it just made me SO happy! Even just sitting there with them while the Disney castle logo and music on the screen just made me smile. I was in pure bliss. Having a good time with my parents (which doesn't happen as often as it should) while reliving my childhood. They loved seeing Lion King again :) Mom and Dad were both cracking up at all the little jokes, tearing up at emotional moments, and just thoroughly enjoying themselves. It was a great little family moment. Of course, my sister wasn't there, and I wish she was. It would have been good for her to have these happy moments with us too. Could have connected us a bit more.

After we went home, I found some of my OLD 'Lion King' stuff from back in 1994, and it was really fun to look back at my old memories. I found my baby Simba doll that I got for my 5th birthday, and his arm is all loose and wobbly from me carrying it around so much when I was a kid. I also found my big 'Lion King' book that I wrote my name in in the front. Of course, needless to say... I brought those back to Fort Worth with me for memories :)

I drew a little Simba on the dry erase board, like the on Rafiki drew, and thanked my parents for this weekend. It was really fun, and was definitely the fresh air I needed before going back to reality.

Some more little antics from this weekend:

- After doing the grocery shopping and helping out my mom while she was busy, she said, "I'm so glad I had you." and it sounded like she was really sincere. Sometimes we can be on the rocks, but when she says things like that, it makes me try harder to do more for her.

- After telling Mom and Dad about my math work and reciting the quadratic formula, they compared me to The Scarecrow from 'Wizard of Oz' :P "Oh joy and rapture! I've got a brain!"

- One of the previews that came up before 'Lion King' was Disney's new nature film, 'Chimpanzees.' When it showed a little baby chimp on the screen, Mom said, "It's little Janie!"

It's true... I did look like a monkey.

More drawing

Yep! I knew it wouldn't be the end of Lion King posts for today :P

Got in another rare drawing mood. But what to draw?? Obviously Lion King, but what to draw....

Then I decided- you know what? I'm up for a challenge. I've never drawn Scar before, so I'll just start out with an easy picture, and see how this goes.

Well, one hour later, and...

Tada!

I like it! I can definitely tell there's room for improvement, but for a first picture, I'm gonna say it's good. Scar was actually fun to draw, cause it's alot different than other characters. Different shapes and angles. Alot more harsh and pointed than when I drew Simba and Nala a while back.

I hope to draw some more later this week.

LION KING!!!!

I FINALLY DID IT!!! Aaaaah!!! I FINALLY saw Lion King in 3-D!!! Oh my gosh, seriously, so amazing. This post is pretty much gonna be a play-by-play of the whole experience, just because I am THAT happy about it.

Driving to the theater, I just kept thinking, "This is finally happening! I can't believe it! After months and months, I am finally seeing Lion King!" I decided to listen to the soundtrack on the way to get me pumped. It worked.

Once I got my ticket, I walked into the theater and was just jittery with excitement. When the Disney logo came up, I knew it was coming!!!

*Black Screen* Hearing animals and sounds of the savannah. I was about to die with anticipation. And then... "NAAAAAH SAVENYAAAA BABABEGGESSSEEE BABA!!!" THE SUNRISE!!! The moment I had waited for had finally come. It is such a beautiful movie. When Zazu was flying towards pride rock, I realized how amazing this movie is going to look. Just that part itself looked so amazing, I couldn't wait to see how the rest of the movie was going to turn out. At the end of the song, when 'The Lion King' title came on the screen, I was totally tearing up at this point :) And even just the next little scene when Scar is talking to the mouse, I remembered watching this scene in the theater so many years ago. Even 17 years later, it still was as intriguing as ever. Even in the scene when it shows a thunderstorm in the savannah while Rafiki is painting Simba on the tree, I couldn't get over how beautiful the rain looked! And seeing the lightning in the distance- I had never noticed that before.

I remembered watching the scene in the theater when I was a kid, when Simba is annoying Mufasa to wake up and stuff, and thinking he was so cool!

'I Just Can't Wait To Be King' was alright in 3-D. Nothing too spectacular about it, but it was still just as fun as ever. The Elephant Graveyard was so scary, just like back in the day! But the 3-D made the scenery look so amazingly detailed and just really amazing quality. When Mufasa was giving Simba the whole "Look at the Stars" speech, it kinda gave me chills a bit. It just looked so beautiful and the sky really did look like it could go on forever, and the stars twinkling looked so real!

Now one of the big surprises for me in the movie, was 'Be Prepared.' I mean, I always thought it was a pretty badass song/scene for a villian, but WOW- in 3-D it was just epic! I wasn't thinking about that scene at all when I thought about what parts would be cool in 3-D, but I'm telling you what, the last minute or so of the song when Scar is rising up on the cliffs and all the hyenas are dancing around, I had major goosebumps! It was just so intense! I never realized this while watching it before. I think my mouth was open a little bit because I was so taken back :P

And then... the stampede. As soon as the scene went to the overhead shot of the gorge, I just thought to myself, "Ohhhh shit!" You know what's about to happen. When Simba roared and the rocks started shaking, I knew it was coming!!! Oooooh snap! I was on the edge of my seat! I mean, with the 3-D you got such a bigger scale of the stampede! You could see the layers and layers of Simba running through hundreds of wildebeests, and it kind of made me see how dangerous this really was (like, you know for Simba and stuff). It was just really cool! And then when Mufasa ran in the stampede, I was just like, "Nonononooooo!!!" cause you know what's coming. It was heart-wrencing! And then seeing Scar throw him off the cliff- ohhhhh man! It was so sad! What got me crying a bit was when Simba sees his Dad and is all like, "Dad? Dad get up. We gotta go home!" and is crying out for help and all. Yeah, there was a definite sniffle in the theater. When Scar came up on the screen, I was sooo mad :P I just thought to myself, "Jerk." Haha.

Another thing that surprised me was when Simba was running away from the hyenas and scrambling through the thorns- it looked so cool!!! The 3-D made it all just right there in your face, and look like the thorns were everywhere! When Banzai gets all covered with thorns, it cracked me up just like it did back in the day, and I felt like I was 5 again. Some things never change.

'Hakuna Matata' was really fun, as always. It was just so cool to see and feel it all on the big screen again! I kept thinking the whole time, "I was so lucky to have truly grown up with this movie. I was the perfect age when it came out, so it really is a huge part of my childhood and growing up."

Fast-forward a bit. Scar and Zazu singing the coconut song still cracks me up.

'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' was so pretty!!! The scenery looked amazing, and it all just felt like pure Disney magic. It was so beautiful and moving as always, and I really loved it. Then... Simba's kind of a jerk to Nala. Oh well!

The movie kind of goes at a bit of a slower pace for a while, but then the next thing that literally had my mouth open in awe, was with the whole Mufasa/cloud thing. It was so powerful! Totally not expecting that. And it made me feel really sad, too! Like, dude, Simba thinks he killed is Dad?? But then his spirit comes back and is like, "Hey, Son, I'm still disappointed in you." :P and when Simba decides to go back, and there's the epic African singing and Rafiki cheering... oh man. It was awesome.

Almost done! making it to the homestretch.

The fight at Pride Rock. Oh. My. Gosh. Can I just say, "Wow!" I knew it was about to be totally awesome when Scar was like all yelling and stuff at Simba and it was all swirling around. I knew it was about to be so intense and epic! And then when the lightning struck, and the fire started as Simba was hanging off the cliff- it was so cool! It looked like the embers were floating right in front of you! When Scar and Simba were fighting in slow-motion, it was really awesome. Like, I can't even describe what it was like. I always used to think that it was kind of cheesy, but in the theater, it really did feel how it was supposed to feel: Epic! And then the moment where I was like, "Oooohhhmmyyygoooosh!" When Scar jumped through the fire at Simba, it was like he was jumping towards YOU! It was REALLY neat! Totally not expecting that.

When Rafiki said "It is time." and Simba starts walking up Pride Rock, I just felt so happy! I just couldn't get over that this was really happening: I was totally reliving my childhood, and this movie still felt as special to me as ever. When Simba roared and all the lions joined in, and the movie was ending with everything back to the way it was, I felt a little choked up! Knowing how much this movie means to me, and knowing that I have gotten to relive it again just made me so happy. "Circle of Liiiiiiiiife!" *dooooom! Black Screen*

Even the credits brought back memories! Just hearing the music took me back to 1994/95, and I remembered loving this movie so much as a kid. It was always so special to me to see it, and really- even hearing the credits music filled me with so much emotion.

I walked out of the theater feeling like I was on Cloud 9. Yes, I went by myself, but I would have much rather gone by myself than not at all! I still am on a blissful high right now of happiness, but am even more happy to discover that Disney has decided to keep it out in the theaters longer! YAY!!!!!!!!!! I totally am going to see it again. Seriously, I really want to. I want to see it with my family. I want to go home the weekend of the 30th or the 9th, and quite honestly, I am going to choose which weekend depending on if Lion King is going to be out or not. If It will still be out on the weekend of the 9th, then I will go home then. If not- then it's the weekend of the 30th for me! I just need my family to understand that we are GOING to see it together!

Aaaah.... seriously. I am just so happy. Might blog more later if I still can't contain my enthusiasm!

Tomorrow.

So, this'll be another little stupid quickie-rant post. nbd. No one probably reads this anyways (goody)

Well, I'm for sure 100%, don't-care-if-I'm-alone, going to see Lion King tomorrow. Obviously, this whole 'coming out in theaters again' is a big deal for me, because I love Disney so much. Helloooo! This is ME we're talking about. And of all Disney, Lion King holds a very special place in my heart. Always has, always will. I think it is the epitome peak of the Disney films, which is totally obvious considering the fact that they're re-releasing it in 3-D and it was number 1 at the box office. It got $30 million dollars in three days, while the second place movie didn't even make half that much. Just goes to show that even 17 years later, Lion King is still amazing.

Well, I'm going alone tomorrow. Am I upset about that? Yes. Is that going to stop me from going? No. This has been on radar since I first heard about this last May, and I knew I was going to have to go. But you know what? I d0 wish I was going with someone! For the memories! And being like, "Oooh!! Aaah! Memories" together. It's gonna be kinda lame-ass to go alone, because for me, half the fun is just reliving the movie together afterwards! Talking about what you liked, what you didn't like, what you loved, and even though I've seen this movie hundreds of times in my life, it's on a whole new level! The last time I saw this movie in theaters, I was 5!

I just quite honestly felt like such a loser for being like, "Hey! I'm 21 and I'm super pumped about a Disney movie! Who wants to go with me??? No one? anyone? No? Ok..." The cheese stands alone.

Times like this, I wish I had kids, so my Disney love could be justified.

I almost got to go see it with my Dad this weekend which would have been perfect! Like, beyond perfect! I was so excited about it, and looking forward to it for days (I mean, I was ECSTATIC just counting down the hours) but then Dad understandably had to change plans. I knew he was busy, I just don't think he understand how much this would've meant to me. It was me, Dad, and my sister that would go see 'Lion King' together in the theater and all that stuff, so it would have been kinda neat to do that all over again. Plus, I would've known, "Yes! I don't have to go alone! I want to share this experience with someone!"

I've just quite honestly been feeling really lonely lately, and this just kind of emphasized it for me. Just this evening, I sent out probably like 10 texts to friends in town being like, "Oh, hey! I'm gonna go see Lion King tomorrow, since it's the last weekend it's out, if you wanna join :)" And I waited... and waited... 8 hours later, I still never got a response from anyone. I seriously felt like such a loser! At first, I thought maybe they didn't send, but then one person responded and said they couldn't. Hey, I at least appreciated the reply!

This post is being a little longer than I planned.

I have never been to a movie alone before in my life. Ever. I mean, I'm totally going. No one can stop me. I will enjoy this movie like no other, and probably blog about my excitement tomorrow. I'm really super looking forward to it, but at the same time.... does not ONE person want to go with me? Am I really that lame-ass? I'm really trying hard not to be.

I just have a really odd feeling right now of excitement and sadness. I know I'm gonna love the movie tomorrow and just the whole experience, but what about the friend/family part of it? Even little things, like taking your picture in front of the poster, or in the theater with your 3-D glasses? It's not just the movie you go for: it's the experience with ones you love.

Sometimes, I forget who I've given this blog too. If anyone does read this, I promise, I'm not always so sullen about life. If anyone ever reads these things and takes offense, I don't mean anything against you. Sometimes I just say things on here to get it out of my system, no matter who might read it.

Ok, well enough of that. I am really really really really really excited. But because I am really really really really excited and don't have anyone to tell that to without feeling judged, I feel like a loser. Who says I have to end a blog on a positive note?

Selfish

Sometimes, I feel like an extremely selfish person. I am torn between what is right and wrong and how I should feel. I know how I feel, I'm just not sure how I feel about it.

Hahahahaha, I love how this is turning into some sort of Alice in Wonderland riddle!

All I know is, right now, I feel really happy, and I only wish I had someone to share this happiness with. That's all. I feel like I have pop-rocks in my chest from excitement, but it's being suppressed down due to the fact that there's no way of releasing it. It's a very odd feeling. A very odd feeling, indeed. It feels like there's a burst of light bouncing off the walls in my heart, looking for a release, but since there's no way to share these emotions, it's just stuck- waiting for someone to share it with.

Jessica's Wedding

Oh my gosh, what a BEAUTIFUL WEDDING!

I cannot stress enough how beautiful it was.

It was crazy being at the church that was always used for family reunions and such, but being there for my cousin's wedding??!?! amazing.

Her dress was simply stunning, and so were the flowers and bridesmaids dresses and everything. Even Aunt Nancy's dress was perfect.

The ceremony was beautiful and not boring like some weddings can be. When Kathryn walked down the aisle and was crying, well that made me cry! And then when I saw Jessica, that made me cry even more! :P I don't care at all that I cried at the wedding.

The reception was amazing too. It was very modern and looked like it belonged on WE TV or something! It was really fun, and things like that just always make me thankful that I am so close to my cousins and family.

I love them all so much, and miss them even more when we have to leave. There's talk of maybe having a big camping trip (hopefully in October) which I think would be SO MUCH FUN!

An amazing weekend.

F*** yeah!

Couldn't sleep. Found old school episodes of Sailor Moon that I haven't seen in at least a decade...

Childhood nostalgia awakened!

HECK YES

Time flies! Let's hope these next 3 years do too.

WOAH! 2 weeks since my last post???? When did THAT happen???

Anyways, I'm just exhausted beyond belief. I think I like my new school, but I keep having doubts. Some days I think, "Man, his was way better than TCU." Other days, I think, " HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO SURVIVE A PLACE LIKE THIS!!!"

Today was one of those days.

Feelings about today...

Frustrated

Lonely

Oversensitive

Scared

Stupid

Incompetent

Thirsty (I just really wanted a Dr. Pepper after this long day!)

Sad

Shy

Tears

I think this whole taking birth control pills thing (disclaimer: JUST FOR ACNE AND PERIODS) is starting to make me more hormonal, because I have felt a little more down than usual.

I tell everyone else, "Oh, UTA is GREAT!!! SO much better than TCU!" When really I'm thinking, "I'm trying to make this as best as I can, and I know it's only been 4 days, but... Why?"

How did I end up in a school like this? It is nothing like I would have wanted to do. Seriously, the one advice I will tell new college students is, "Don't ever think about *ducking it up. (I accidentally hit D next to some other letter, but I liked it :) ) Once you are in your dream school, do all you can to stay there! Cause once you're gone, you can never find a place like it." There is a reason I never even considered UTA. Because I KNEW it was something I was never interested in! I applied to 8 schools, got accepted to 5, and UTA was not even one of them. Everyone knows what kinds of schools are meant for them, and this just isn't mine. At least not yet. I'M REALLY TRYING, I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!!

I am just at UTA because of convenience. So I can just get a ducking degree :P

With all this duck talk, I should just be a biologist!

Tonight to try to make this better:

Read The Bible

Pray

Get Sleep

Wake up early and put on favorite music.

I really am trying to find the positive, but sometimes I just want to confront the frustration when I have it and just put it all out there! That's what this is for.

stupid

I am so stupid!

I'm tired as it is, and I've been listening to Adele's 'Someone Like You' on repeat for the past half hour, then I feel like I should make a really stupid decision. While listening to 'Someone Like You' I decide to look on facebook and see what my middle and high school crush has been up to. He's still as dreamy as ever... even more so now that he's all grown up. He still reminds me of Patrick Dempsey, and dear Lord, do I love Patrick Dempsey. Just makes me wish I really got to know him and maybe be with him. When you're in high school, you're just shy and dream from afar. You just see him sitting a few tables away in the cafeteria, or at the desk next to you and even if he asks to borrow a pencil, you really wish he was asking if he could get to know you more. You see him with his lame-ass girlfriend all through high school and you think, "I could be so much better than her." Sometimes (and I mean all the time) I just want to be with someone...

Hopefully I will learn this song on the piano soon, so I can pour my heart out into music.

Odd wedding dream

Another very strange dream last night- this one I've never had before.

In my dream, I was going to get married. I was the exact age and everything I am now, and people were in it that I recognized, but they weren't who they are in real life. In my dream, I was to be married to this pracitcally boy, and it was the weirdest thing ever! He was like only 19 or something, and he was just kinda dorky, and I had never met him. The wedding was all set and ready to go and everything, when I went to his family's house to practically meet the guy. We kind of just were talking, and even though he seemed like a nice guy and someone I could get along with, it wasn't someone I could marry. He seemed happy with the wedding, as did the rest of his family, and I think maybe mine too. They weren't in the dream though. After meeting him, I went walking around the little town with his mom. Talking to her, I was telling her that I had doubts about the wedding, and that this just wasn't someone I couldn't live without. At this point, my sister was with me too and she was agreeing with what I had to say. I went on this rant about how this is not how I want my lifetime of marriage to start. I need to marry someone who makes me a better person, who I can't live without, and who is someone I am truly, deeply in love with. I went on saying, "This is NOT my wedding! I want my wedding at Highland Park with either Dan or Cheryl as the minister, with flowers, and sky blue drapes (I don't know where that came in, but it did). I know what my wedding will be like, and this is not it."

I know why I had this dream. It's because I watched 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' right before bed, and the main character kind of goes through the same thing at the end. They are about to marry someone who isn't right for them, and they change their mind.

In the end of the dream, I explain to the mom that even though I would feel bad about all the money lost in the wedding, and all the guests being there, I couldn't go through with the wedding. Then I woke up and thought, "WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE WEIRD DREAMS I HAVE BEEN HAVING?!?!" That's when I went to Dream Dictionary...

Not quite sure what this means, but...

To dream that you are planning a wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side. The dream may also indicate that two previously conflicting aspects are merging together as one.

To dream that you are in an arranged marriage, suggests that you are feeling forced to do something you do not want to do. You feel that you have no voice or no choice in a situation. Consider how a waking situation may be making you feel voiceless.

I think the second one might have something to do with UTA...

Now I remember I also had a dream about being pregnant too!!! All I remember is this one scene where I as at Maw's house in Plano in the pink bedroom all alone, just looking out the window at the fields. I remember watching the grass and hay in the fields and just talking to the baby in my stomach. It was REALLY weird. Like, I looked pregnant! I think I had this dream because I have been helping my friend get ready for her baby, and we went to register at the baby store the other day. I did dream about what I would get someday if I ever had a baby. And in my dream, the baby was a girl. Yeah, pretty messed up stuff in my subconscious lately!

Sounds like this probably has to do with UTA too...

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Childhood vanishing right before my eyes

Last night's dream just about makes me cry. It was kind of about my childhood slipping away and everything changing. I know where this dream came from, and I will explain later. In this dream, I was with my Dad and Shalini, and we were at my old house in Zilker Park. The park people had been using the house as sort of storage, and also it had been another home at one time. There had been lots of renovations, like a whole new fireplace and bathroom and sparkly white tile in the entry room, and the room to get to the attic was all filled with junk. I just remember the place being filled with strangers from the park and thinking, "Get out of my house! You've done all these changes, and this place is falling apart!" But of course, I didn't say anything because this wasn't my home any more. I hadn't lived here for over 12 years, and it didn't belong to me. What makes me sad, is this dream is true.

When Shalini and I went over to Zilker Park to swim, I showed her the house, and let me tell you... it was all in ruins! Worse than the house in my dream. The fence was falling down with the weight of the overgrown trees, the screens on the doors were torn apart, and the shutters were dangling off the windows. Shalini and I walked up to the house and I just stared at it, thinking, "How could you let this happen to my house? It's such a magical place that should be preserved like a museum! You are ruining my childhood memories right here in front of my eyes!" After standing infront of the house for a minute, a park ranger came over to see what we were doing, and I explained to him who I was and that I had grown up here from 1990-1996. He told me that they were going to start using it as more stuff for the park rangers and I don't know why, but that just killed me. It's not meant for offices! It's meant for children to run and play and look out their bedroom window at night and see the Zilker Christmas tree glowing in the distance. It has the best upstairs attic to play hide and seek, and what about the little door in the master bedroom that you open up and see the plumbing pipes? Who will appreciate that? And the tall, narrow stairs that lead up to the attic in the laundry room- who will be there to walk up those stairs slowly and carefully as they cling on to their teddy bear? No one. This magical home gave me the best childhood anyone could ask for. I know I am one of the luckiest kids in the world to have lived where no other child has. No other children have lived there since, and that makes me sad. It has everything you could ever hope for, and I still wish that someday I could live there again. I know it is impossible, but the ultimate happiness for me would be to someday raise my own family in that very house. Or at least, be able to show them that house and say, "That's where Mommy and Aunt Mary Katherine and Grandma and Grandpa lived! I grew up there, and it was magical. More magical than the fairytales and Harry Potter books we read. More magical than Disney or even Narnia. It has some of the best memories of my life, and it will always be in my heart."

Dreamdictionary.com is an amazing website, and I love to use it! According to them, my dream means this...

To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings.

To dream that your house is damaged, indicates your waking concerns about the condition of your house.

In particular, to see your childhood home indicates your own desires for building a family and your family ideologies. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some unfinished feelings that are being triggered by some waking situation.

Beautiful wedding

I had so much fun yesterday :) Being a bridesmaid for the first time is very exciting! Caitie was absolutely beautiful, and I wish her and Matt all the best (And little Audriana too!) :)

Just accountability stuff

Breakfast: 2 eggs, scrambled with spinach and a diced tomato

Blueberries

That was pretty much brunch, since it was at 11

Lunch: Was at work, and I don't want to eat their food, so I didn't eat anything. Unless of course, a few tastes of our candy clay we made today counts :)

Afternoon snack/late lunch:

At 5, I had a spinach salad, nothing really fancy

Dinner: at 8ish, I made pasta for dinner. Fettucini, chicken, peas, a little mozzarella on top.

Went to the gym for bout 45 minutes, and just got back. Now I put in 'Tarzan' and am gonna start some packing with that in the background! :)

Let's hope this works

I really don't want to mess up this time! I bought a scale at Target today, along with other, in my opinion, healthy foods. Just some stuff like fruits, veggies, some healthy crackers and cereal and turkey and cheese. I'm not gonna go crazy on like a vegan diet or anything, but as long as I eat sensibly, drink plenty of water, and exercise daily, I think I'll be ok. The scale will help keep me on track. Every week, I am going to post my weight and what I think affected it. I don't know if anyone will even be reading this, but it's at least going to help me stay accountable for my actions.

Today the scale said 119.5

I haven't exercised yet, but after I clean up a bit here, I'm going to go to the gym and take Sadie for a walk. I'm not sure which one I'll do first- probably the walk to warm me up. That way, I can go to the gym for at least an hour, take a shower, and just relax for the rest of the night.

Here's what my schedule will be (I think).

9:15-9:45 Sadie on walk

10:00-11:00 Gym

afterwards shower and read, so in bed by midnight. I have work at 9 in the morning, and I'll be done at 12. I will try to work out at the gym that afternoon. I usually work out at night (even though I always say I will in the morning, I'm just not really a morning person) but I think it'd be good to try working out at different times of the day to see which ones really work for me.

Bi-Polar

Uuuugh, I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar when it comes to my body image. I think I always try to be optimistic, and find something I like about my body, but when it comes to days like this, it really sucks.

I had a great time at a family event today, except when I realized, "Wow. Everyone here is really thin (except for the older moms, no offense)." I just kind of felt like the odd one out. I am NOT saying here that i'm fat, because I know that is not a healthy thing to think about yourself, I'm just saying there is room for improvement. I really want to lose 20-25 pounds. That may sound crazy, since then I would only weigh 100-95 pounds (yes world, I weigh 120 pounds) but when you're only 4'10", it means a lot. I pretty much stuck to the same weight in middle school and high school, but people have told me (like my parents) that they think I've lost weight since then. I know I lost weight in High School my Junior year, because I took action, got a gym membership at 24 hour fitness, and got in better shape. I wasn't skinny or anything by any means, but I just felt better. I was definitely more toned in my whole body, and clothes definitely felt and fit better.

I'm not gonna lie, sometimes when I see vintage movie stars or celebrities, I do wish that I could look like that. But you know, the great thing is... I can! Well, sorta. Everyone has different body types, and there's nothing I can do to change that, but I definitely CAN stand to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go ahead and spill out all my 'problem areas' in my book:

- Thighs. Let's face it here, we're women... thighs are not problems, we just have more curves than men.

- Face. I know it sounds silly, but I just really need to have a thinner face! I'm not really sure how to explain it, but it's true :P

- Stomach. This has NEVER been something I have been proud of my entire life. The thing is though, it's not like I was always a 'chubby kid'- I was REALLY skinny as a kid! but I feel like it started in puberty or something. I think I remembered learning about something in sex ed that was like, "Our bodies are changing, so it is natural to gain some weight." I think I felt that justified my getting chubbier, and maybe it does. Just kind of always remembered that.

All in all, it's not about appearance, it really is about health. I've just seen family members let their health issues take over their lives as they got older, and I am just not going to let that happen to me! I am only 21, but I don't want to be saying that when I'm 31, ya know? Like, "I'm only 31, I have plenty of time and energy to really lose all that weight!" NO. The time is now!!!! COME ON, JANE!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! You are typing this after you just had a dinner of Panda Express. Why did you do that to yourself?

I can't let something bad motivate me, it's got to be something good!

Ok, here could be a goal: My cousin is getting married September 10th (yay!) and That is 48 days from now. Do you think it is reasonable to say that I could lose 5-10 pounds by then? That's 7 weeks. I just really need to make goals!

Ok, here's what my goals could be.

September 10th weigh 112-115 pounds

October 31 (I love Halloween) weigh 106-110 pounds

December 25 (Christmas!!) weigh 100-105 pounds

What do you think?? December 25th is 5 months from now. That is 20 weeks. If I lose 1 pound in a week (which I think is totally doable!) then, I could be right on schedule! I could be looking and feeling fab to ring in the new year!!!!!

I really need to do this. I need to have some way to KNOW that this will not fail!! I've set myself up for this on several occasions, but never actually done it! PLEASE hold me accountable for this, people!! If anything, then I will really really really try to stick to it with God as my witness!

Little Stats:

Right now, at 120 lbs, my BMI is 25, which is just at the OVERWEIGHT SCALE! BOOOOO

If I weigh 100 lbs, my BMI will be 20.9 which is in the healthy range!

I really wanna call someone about this, but it's so late, I don't want to wake anyone....

I hate my sleeping patterns!!!

Just kind of realized I haven't posted in a while, so I figured it's time to update a bit.

Well, I HATE my stupid sleeping pattern I've gotten into lately, cause it SUCKS!!!! I've been trying to get out of if the past few days. Pretty much it's go to bed at 2, get up between 11 and noon. According to me, that sucks!!! I'd much rather it be 10-8, and I've tried that! I'll get ready for bed at 10 ish, try to fall asleep at 11, and even then it doesn't work. I'll either go to bed on time and still wake up at 11am, or I can't fall asleep, so I'll still have the usual 2-11 sleeping habit and it sucks.

To put it into perspective, I just woke up 30 minutes ago. I always have nice dreams though, so it's kind of hard to wake up when you don't want to.

Boring post I know. I'll try something else later maybe.

7/13/11

I kind of just snacked today pretty much.

I didn't wake up till 10-ish, so I just waited till 12 and made the same salad as yesterday (spring mix, a tomato, crushed up a few croutons, and dressing). A couple hours later, I had some chips and salsa. Couple hours after that, I had a rice-cake with peanut butter, and for dinner I made an actual meal. I grilled a turkey filet-mignon, had broccoli and peas and brown rice. I think that's all I'm gonna have today, but there is some discussion about cupcakes, so we shall see....

Not much of a blog today.

Another accountabiliy

So even though I think it's a little bit shallow to just post, "Here's what I ate today! Let's see how guilty I can make you feel?!" i'm just going to try doing this some more, just to try to stay on track.

Yesterday...

Breakfast was a rice-cake with peanut butter, fruit salad and a little bit of orange juice. Lunch was some pita crackers with a slice of cheddar cheese. Afternoon snack was chips and salsa and dinner was leftovers from dinner at Uno's the night before.

Today...

Breakfast was a rice-cake with peanut butter and half a banana on top. Rest of banana and fruit salad on the side. Didn't have lunch, but had a slice of cheddar cheese for a snack at about 3ish. Came home for a late dinner snack/very late lunch and made a salad. It was spring mix, with a whole tomato cut up, a few croutons crushed up to add some crunch, and a little bit of ranch dressing to keep it all together. I was going to go to Cafe Brazil for a free dinner-promo they had going on, but they were all out :( Kinda ruined my dinner plans, so I just kind of snacked throughout the night. I had some chips and salsa, yogurt and strawberries, then went on a quick walk with Sadie and a workout. Afterwards I had some cherries and since I KNEW what I wanted, I had a little bit of chocolate milk. It was probably 1/3 cup or something, so it wasn't that much.

Good day. Sleep is definitely needed, cause i'm beat!

What a blast!

I had a great time today! I ended up sleeping in far too long than I would have liked, but oh well! After a great late morning of reading and walking Sadie, I made lunch, which since I hadn't gone to the store yet, was just a baked sweet potato. (I couldn't remember if that one was mine or my room mate's since we both buy them, so I went ahead and got her a fresh one at the store this afternoon, just in case). After getting groceries at the store, my friend Tara met me at the apartment to catch up, and then go out to dinner downtown with our friend Erin! It was a great time to just catch up with your buddies, drink some pomegranate margaritas, and then browse through the Barnes and Noble to walk it off before driving :P We had such a delicious dinner at Uno's and Tara and I never had been there before! I got a half order of fettucini with chicken, lemon, broccoli and pesto, but I only finished half of it and took the rest home for tomorrow. I had a few bites of the breadstick, but I wasn't there for the food. The pomegranate margarita was what really tasted good and it was even better with friends to share it with. For dessert we all split a delicious reeses ice-cream dessert that was to die for! Like I said- this evening was amazing, and it makes me so grateful to know that I have these great friends in my life. I love them with all my heart, and know that they will be with me forever.

Deliciousness

It's hard to eat healthy when am home, honestly. Especially when you're on vacation in Leakey where all you do is swim, lounge in the river, read, and eat! I've been trying to get back on track. Like lastnight, we had a barbeque for the 4th, and I had a small piece of grilled chicken, steamed green beans, a very small corn on the cob with no butter or anything and a bunch of grapes. It didn't really help that we made homemade cinnamon-peach ice cream that was AMAZING!

But what I really wanted to post about was the dinner mom and dad just brought me from East Side Diner- it was DELISH!

It was a half order of their salad, and even though it seems really simple, it was really tasty.

Dark, leafy greens

Granny Smith Apple chunks

pecans and almonds

some sort of feta cheese stuff

raspberry vinagrette

and a small cornbread that probably just cancels all that good stuff out.

And a little side-note...

I mowed the lawn for the first time in my entire life today!!! I really liked it! It really is like vaccuming, just outside. I mowed the lawn with the non-electric one when I was a kid sometimes, but now I have really upgraded to the one dad uses! :) It was fun, and it was nice to find something that I enjoy that is also productive.

My Top Disney Songs #1

'Circle of Life' from The Lion King- 1994

Duh! I mean, come on, really. WHAT can top Circle of Life?? That's right.... nothing!

This song will always give me goosebumps and just give me ultimate nostalgia about how awesome my childhood with 'Lion King' was!

Broadway version is amazing, as is the reprise. Seriously, seeing this live on stage was amazing! I'll never forget seeing my 6 year old cousin next to me with her jaw on the floor as we saw elephants, giraffes and all kinds of creatures making their way up to the stage in the first 5 minutes of the show. Absolutely breathtaking. Thanks, Disney!

(omg, no joke, I started tearing up for joy at just watching this video because it is so amazing)

My Top Disney Songs #2

'Part Of Your World' from The Little Mermaid- 1988

This has been my favorite Disney song since I was in preschool. I used to dance around my grandma's bedroom at night when everyone had gone to sleep and play with her old little trinkets whispering to myself, "Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?" It's such an amazing song and even the reprise is definitely worth mentioning! (Skip to 1:16 for ultimate Disney epicness)

My Top Disney Songs #3

'A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes' from Cinderella- 1950

The ultimate classic Disney song. About love, living your dreams, and never giving up hope. This song at times can just be something to soothe your soul or lift up your spirits to keep on believing in your dreams. A very cute movie and this song is just pure Disney magic.

My Top Disney Songs #4

'Strangers Like Me' from Tarzan- 1999

I love love love LOVE this song! I can never skip it when it comes up on my iTunes or iPod. It's just so good that you can't help but get into it. I like the movie Tarzan too, obviously, even though it's not one of my top favorites like Lion King or 101 Dalmatians, but it still is a great new-classic Disney movie.

My top Disney Songs #5

'I Wanna Be Like You' from The Jungle Book- 1967

I love this song so much. 'Jungle Book' was one of the classic Disney movies I grew up with, along with Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan, before the big movies like 'Lion King' and 'Pocahontas' came out.

I think this song has great rhythm and is just really catchy. It's lots of fun, and I jam out to it on my iPod from time to time :)

Fun

I need a fun blog post since the last one was kinda serious and depressing...

The topic shall be...

DISNEY

stay tuned.

where did my motivation go???

My whole motivation has seriously just gone down the drain. I feel like I KNOW WHAT I WANT (To lose at least 20 pounds) and I know what deadline I want it by (October, which is in, we'll say 4 months). In my opinion, this is doable. If you lose say 1 pound a week, then you can have your goal pretty much! I just need to STICK TO MY GOAL! I have one week of good motivation of eating and exercise, but then the next few days there is no exercise, crappy eating, and then feeling gross and honestly fat. I hate feeling like this, and honestly, i'm just gonna say it: Sometimes, I really hate my body. Other days I feel like it doesn't matter, but today's not one of those days. I just get really lazy, but don't really care about it. Blegh. I am really excited about Leakey, but then I feel like i'm gonna feel self conscious about what I wear and eat and everything. It'll be fine, but sometimes I just worry if I will ever really achieve this dream of having a truly healthy and beautiful (in my mind) body. Right now I weigh 120, and that's pretty much what i've always been. Sometimes it was down to 112 or so like in middle school, but even then I was chubby. I really want to make my goal of weight at or below 100 pounds. That might sounds tiny, but when you're 4'10" it's good. I want to be able to buy those super adorable clothes and dresses and have someone say i'm attractive. It sounds silly, but no one's ever said that before, and I hardly ever feel that way. COME ON, JANE- YOU CAN DO IT!!

darn it

I hate that mom can yell at me in my own home. I was just trying to help her with something that was bothering her and now i feel numb and useless. My body is covered with chills and cold sweat just thinking about how this can happen to me in my safe haven. I want to just go in my room and close the door, and return to my own home where i feel happy. But now this anger and confusion has broken through and entered my new world. I hate that she can make me feel this way. Like i'm always doing something wrong, and even though I was the one that was just yelled at, I need to apologize. Even though she is sitting right by me, I can't tell her how I feel. I have tried, and it always leads to more yelling at me and my apologizing for my feelings half an hour later. I seriously feel hot and yet dead inside right now, but covered in a clammy shell that I can't get out of. Like there's nowhere to run and that i'm just not good enough. I know that she's always too busy for me and that i'm in the way, but i'm trying. Not trying to bother her, but to help. I just don't have that connection I feel like other moms and daughters do. I'm not talking all 'Gilmore Girls' style or anything, just an understanding of each other. According to mom, she has been "frustrated with me for years" and to me that just translates as "you have been a disappointment since as long as i can remember." Thanks mother, i'm sure that's what every child wants to hear. I feel like i'm growing more distant from them, and not just because of the whole, 'growing up and moving to college' thing, but there's just nothing really there anymore. Sometimes when I go home, I feel like i'm with strangers. When i'm in the car with a parent and I try to have a conversation, it never happens. Maybe i'm just too used to being around friends and people i actually get along with, that seeing the stark difference between my relationship with them versus my parents is just more apparent than ever.

For now, I am just going to go to read in bed and leave mom alone, as I have done for the past 18 years. There's no one I can really talk to about this. It just makes me want to cry. The only people that have hurt me my entire life is my mom and my sister. Dad sometimes too, I guess, but that's not the point. Isn't it ironic that the people who you're supposed to be closest to can hurt you the most?

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say

And watchin' you walk away

These song lyrics immediately popped into my head just now. I've felt like such an emotional wreck these past few months, and I hate that it's starting to flood back with my freaking mother here!!? When mom said she wanted to come over to stay with me for the night, I was really excited! We could try to get back that connection that has been lost for a long time. Watch a movie or two and just really talk. I feel like when I try to express my feelings about anything, or even just honestly have a conversation, it just blows up in my face and I get yelled at. I've tried distancing myself from them, but even when mom comes back for a bit, I feel that rejection again. Like I said, if I tell her about this, she'd just say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself.' and maybe I am. Maybe that's all this is. Little old me whining my butt off. We just have so little in common that it's hard to connect. We're just very different personalities, and I feel like we don't really know each other at all.

6/9/11 Accountability

Accountability 6/9/11

Midnight Snack

- 1 slice of Multigrain bread

- Peanut Butter

- Small glass of milk

Breakfast

- Honey Bunches of Oats cereal

- 2 Strawberries

- Milk

Lunch

- Leftover Macaroni & Cheese

- Leftover Peas

Dinner

- (Smiley Face dinner!)

- Sweet Potato

- Carrot

- Strawberries

Dessert

- Curly's Lemon Frozen Custard

- Waffle Cone

Exercise

- None today. I was going to, but honestly I was tired today. Went to the pool instead to get some sun.

Thoughts on what I ate

I could've done better I guess, but you know what... not a bad day!

Rose & Thorn

- Rose: Getting frozen custard was really fun! and I had a great day relaxing by the pool, reading, and getting a good tan.

- Thorn: Not exercising today. I was just feeling really tired, but I'll make it up.

6/8/11 Accountability

Accountability for Wednesday 6/8/11

Breakfast

- 2 Eggs with salt and pepper

- 1 piece of multigrain bread

- 1 (huge) Strawberry

Lunch

- No lunch

- This was not really intentional or anything, I was working and did not have time.

Dinner

- Macaroni and Cheese

- Steamed Peas

Exercise For The Day

- 30 minutes walking with Sadie in the evening

- 20 minutes Pilates

Rose & Thorn of the Day

- Rose: I had 2 Roses for the day!

1) Started my job with a new family, and I love them!

2) MAJOR crack-up when I did Pilates tonight. Sadie decided to join me, and it made quite the picture :)

- Thorn: No thorns today, really.

Thoughts on Day

- I felt really guilty (and overstuffed) from eating that mac n cheese.

I think I ate too fast or something because I didn't eat lunch, so by 5 o'clock I was starving!

Defintely not a good idea to do that. I should have eaten more fruits and vegetables today.