darn it

I hate that mom can yell at me in my own home. I was just trying to help her with something that was bothering her and now i feel numb and useless. My body is covered with chills and cold sweat just thinking about how this can happen to me in my safe haven. I want to just go in my room and close the door, and return to my own home where i feel happy. But now this anger and confusion has broken through and entered my new world. I hate that she can make me feel this way. Like i'm always doing something wrong, and even though I was the one that was just yelled at, I need to apologize. Even though she is sitting right by me, I can't tell her how I feel. I have tried, and it always leads to more yelling at me and my apologizing for my feelings half an hour later. I seriously feel hot and yet dead inside right now, but covered in a clammy shell that I can't get out of. Like there's nowhere to run and that i'm just not good enough. I know that she's always too busy for me and that i'm in the way, but i'm trying. Not trying to bother her, but to help. I just don't have that connection I feel like other moms and daughters do. I'm not talking all 'Gilmore Girls' style or anything, just an understanding of each other. According to mom, she has been "frustrated with me for years" and to me that just translates as "you have been a disappointment since as long as i can remember." Thanks mother, i'm sure that's what every child wants to hear. I feel like i'm growing more distant from them, and not just because of the whole, 'growing up and moving to college' thing, but there's just nothing really there anymore. Sometimes when I go home, I feel like i'm with strangers. When i'm in the car with a parent and I try to have a conversation, it never happens. Maybe i'm just too used to being around friends and people i actually get along with, that seeing the stark difference between my relationship with them versus my parents is just more apparent than ever.

For now, I am just going to go to read in bed and leave mom alone, as I have done for the past 18 years. There's no one I can really talk to about this. It just makes me want to cry. The only people that have hurt me my entire life is my mom and my sister. Dad sometimes too, I guess, but that's not the point. Isn't it ironic that the people who you're supposed to be closest to can hurt you the most?

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say

And watchin' you walk away

These song lyrics immediately popped into my head just now. I've felt like such an emotional wreck these past few months, and I hate that it's starting to flood back with my freaking mother here!!? When mom said she wanted to come over to stay with me for the night, I was really excited! We could try to get back that connection that has been lost for a long time. Watch a movie or two and just really talk. I feel like when I try to express my feelings about anything, or even just honestly have a conversation, it just blows up in my face and I get yelled at. I've tried distancing myself from them, but even when mom comes back for a bit, I feel that rejection again. Like I said, if I tell her about this, she'd just say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself.' and maybe I am. Maybe that's all this is. Little old me whining my butt off. We just have so little in common that it's hard to connect. We're just very different personalities, and I feel like we don't really know each other at all.