I was about to say, "Sometimes I hate coming home." but that's not it. Sometimes I hate coming home when my sister is here. I swear, I don't know what it is, but I just can't help but always get into a fight with her! And what I hate, is I know that lately, I think it's been because of me. I don't know if it really IS my fault, or if she just is really good at making me feel guilty. All I know is, I am ALWAYS the one apologizing in the end and making a fool of myself. Maybe I am a fool, I don't know. All I know, is I hate it! Seriously, I'm crying right now, gosh darn it. THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES TO ME!!!! I was getting really upset with her, and she was all going on like, "Jane, how long have you been taking the pill? It's really starting to affect you" and "Looks like you're about to cry- are you about to cry???" And I totally wasn't about to cry, she just makes me feel so inferior!

I'm just going to talk about what happen, and even though it probably will prove I was in the wrong, I just have to get it all out, even if it makes me look like a stupid idiot.

It was over the gosh darn TV. That fucking piece of equipment that can sometimes just suck you in so much that you lose yourself. It was kind of late, and I was watching this really interesting documentary that I've been wanting to see for about a year. I was about half an hour into it, and even though I was a bit tired, I was enjoying just having that time to relax on the couch watching what I've been looking forward to. My sister walks in and is just like, "Hey, can I watch TV?" and I was just like, "Huh? Oh, sure." And handed over the remote. She was just kind of flipping through the channels for a minute, when I realized, "Hey- you know what? I was enjoying what I was watching! I had been looking forward to that for months, and now the TV is just being used to mindlessly flip through reality shows and who knows what else." So I stupidly ask, "Hey you know what, I changed my mind. Can I have the remote back?" I know it was a stupid decision, and I just shouldn't have said it. We ended up getting in a ridiculous argument, and I know I stupidly just got out of control. It's what she does to me, and I can't stand it!!!!!! She makes me seem like I'm crazy and immature and ridiculous, and I NEVER try to be that way!

She watches TV ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I mean ALL THE TIME. Sometimes at home, she will spend hours upon hours, (I'm talking like 6-8 hours here, ok??) just mindlessly watching TV, and when I ask to watch something, she never lets me.

None of this matters though. I know I was in the wrong, and what I hate, is that apparently, I ALWAYS AM. But that can't be it, can it? How can I be the one who wants to end, and yet always starts, these arguments?? It can't be all my fault, right? It takes two? All I know is it annoying as fuck. Whatever the heck goes on with us, I don't know.

In the end, I just pretty much called a truce. I just said, "look, let's just neither of us watch TV tonight and just move on. Forget this happened, blah blah blah..." I think she agreed, but I don't believe her. It's hard to believe her, just like she probably thinks it's hard to believe me. WHAT THE FUCK. GOSHDARNIT I CAN BE SUCH A NICE PERSON, BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. This is all just a huge rant right now, and I don't even care.

Uugh

I can't help that I just naturally make my mom mad! I just sometimes thinks it's weird that she's making these friends and hanging out with people who are MY AGE. Going back to school for your masters is great and all, but I just feel like when she's with her 'college friends' she's totally this person I don't know. It just seems fake to me or something. I know she's not, it's just like, "Am I the only one who would think it's kind of weird to hang out socially with someone who's twice my age?"

What happened was I called mom to let her know I'm coming home on Wednesday for break, and that we should go see 'The Help' at the dollar theater. I suggested for that Wednesday night, and she said she's going over to a friend's house to watch a movie, so I just questioned, "Why??" I think it might have sounded harsher than I intended, but I think I just was legitimately confused! So then she was just like, "GOSH why do y'all do that?!" (meaning me and my sister, I think) and went on this little rant about it.

Ok, WHY do I think it's kind of weird? I just don't like seeing my mom trying to act my age with people who are my age. It's weird. If she's such this great friend or person or whatever to hang out with, with other college people who are my age, then why don't I get to see that? Why is it the mom I always see is busy up in the study working on some paper or project or is just too busy in general to have any fun. Or if she is spending time with us, it's with some laptop or iPhone project open on the side.

I think I'm just starting to worry about the break a bit. I don't want there to be family drama at all, which would be a really odd thing to happen. Maybe I need to work on my own tactics for this (don't be negative, let things go, just do what you're asked and don't question it). I'm looking forward to being home, I just don't want to screw it up.