Dream

I really hope no one actually reads my blog, cause this is about to get on the verge of 'diary' here.

I had such an amazing dream last night. I've been thinking about it all day, and I just can't get it out of my mind, because I don't want to.

I was in love.

Someone was in love with me.

And it was wonderful.

My mind picked a pretty random person for me to be in love with (it was the guy who plays Finn on Glee. I have NO idea where that came from, but it was actually really nice.) The dream was just me and him (for some reason, his name was Evan) spending time together at my house in Austin, meeting my parents, then hanging out together downtown. But what I loved about the dream was just the feelings I had. Someone loved me. Someone cared for me, thought I was beautiful, and didn't care that I'd never had a boyfriend before. That as also kind of a theme in the dream too. If we'd kiss, sometimes I'd be like, "Sorry, I don't even know if I'm any good at this!" and it was kind of silly. And when he met my parents (we were in the kitchen) I just ran into his arms and we just hugged for so long while we talked. I know how silly this all sounds, but seriously... I hate that it was just a dream. I felt so happy. So loved. Protected, cherished, cared for, special- you name it! I just remember I kept thinking, "Why me? Out of all the people in the world, you love and care for me?"

It was all just so romantic. (And no, in case anyone's wondering, this wasn't THAT kind of dream, if you know what I'm saying. I don't go that way in my subconscious.) My favorite part was when I was introducing him to my parents, and I just was so content to be held so close when we hugged. He just thought I was so endearing and lovable, and no one's ever acted that way before. I just felt so special. So complete. Like this is what I've been waiting for my whole life. That I'd never be alone again. That there would always be someone there for me, and I for him.

I literally cannot imagine this ever being real. It honestly would seem so weird! Like, I'm kidding you not, I cannot imagine myself getting ready to go on a date and sitting at a table with a guy just getting to know each other, or even kissing and holding hands and stuff, because it has never happened before! I kept thinking about this dream all day because of how much I wish it had been real. I felt so happy and content, and this was a feeling I had never had before in my whole life. I just wish it could come true someday. After all,

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

I've never believed in that so much as I do now. After all these years, this is still what I want.

I hated waking up. My alarm went off, and I just felt heartbroken. It had all been a dream... nothing more. I wanted so badly to just go back to sleep and drift back into that perfect world, but I knew it couldn't happen. All I have is that memory and feeling to hold on to.

As I was getting ready for the day, all I could think about was, "How can I make this happen? Hoe can I make this real?" I literally have no idea. How do people do it? Find love? I know this is all so silly, I just want to have those feelings for real. This wasn't about getting married and having kids and stuff, it was just about the simplicity of being loved and adored. I think I have so much to give, and I just pray that someday this dream will become a reality.

I've realized this kinda just reminds me of some Disney stuff (surprise, surprise)

1. Sleeping Beauty's dream prince (1:36-2:30)

2. The whole 'A Dream Is A Wish' thing

Grossness

Ok, is it possible that after eating better your body starts to reject food that's bad for you? Just curious.

I was at the store today and decided to just try making something that I hadn't had since high school. Hamburger Helper. My family had it a few times a year or so growing up, so I remembered liking it. I knew Wednesday I would be going to Sprouts for the REAL shopping of the week, so that's why I decided to buy hamburger helper. The meal was just 5 bucks, and I didn't have anything else at home besides crackers and granola bars.

Let me tell you... it was disgusting!!!!!!!!!! I made peas and carrots and the lasagna hamburger helper for dinner. The first few bites were ok, it just tasted kind of slimy and weird. It actually had sound effects of slime! Grossest thing ever.

I ate all my veggies I made, and just ended up throwing out the rest of my dinner. It makes a ton of food, so I did save the rest of the hamburger helper in a tupperware just so it doesn't go to waste. It'll probably end up in the garbage in a few days anyway.

But the point is, I'm wondering if honestly my body just doesn't like the yucky food like that anymore? I actually ended up feeling a little sick afterwards, and I really feel like it's because it's some of the worst food I've had in a long while! Even this weekend, I went out to our usual mexican restaurant with my family, and I tried to eat ok while still getting good mexican food. I got spinach enchiladas and rice, and it tasted great! But feeding myself this garbage like a boxed dinner just isn't what I eat anymore. Granted, I'll still make some mac n cheese from time to time and that doesn't do anything to me, but it just makes me wonder, that's all.

Tonight I am making my meal plan for the next 5 days. That's all I'll really need, cause I usually don't eat much on the weekends, and if I do, then usually it's just out with friends. Tuesday-Saturday of next week, I'll be with my whole big family for Thanksgiving!!!! I am STILL going to exercise and try to eat well. Starting tomorrow morning, I am going to get up one hour earlier than normal (7am?) and go on a walk for at least 40 minutes. Just around the neighborhood area. I keep hearing that it's good to start the day that way, and I'll put it to the test!

Uuugh.... still feeling gross from that disgusting hamburger helper. SERIOUSLY don't eat it!

Tomorrow, it's back at the gym. My foot better be ready or else!

Just throwing this out there

Not wanting to brag or boast or anything, but today is a good day. I pulled out a shirt from the back of my closet that I’ve had for a year or so. It was given to me by my parents, and even though I loved it, it was just a bit too small, so I couldn’t wear it. I decided to pull it out today and try wearing it for the first time since then. I’m happy to say that I am comfortably wearing the shirt, and you know what… it’s even a little too big! It’s times like these where I can see there’s results here, so it motivates me more to be healthy! The scale might only have a few pounds difference, but obviously, my body is changing for the better :)

I do believe it's time for shopping! I will buy a new motivation shirt. One that is too small. That way, when it does fit in the future, I will once again know that I'm on the right track! The scale is saying there has been a change, but when the clothes fit different, you know it's really working. Wednesday I will go back to the gym. By then, it will have been 9 days since my sprained ankle, and I think by then it will be healed and ready. I can tell today it's still a bit on the mend, so I'll just do pilates, stretches, and use my 10lb weights for now.

Right now, I weigh 117. My goal is 115 at Thanksgiving, and 110 at Christmas. I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow, so I'll be sure to just stick to the healthy foods. Turkey, multigrain wraps (better instead of just bread I think), cucumbers, carrots, strawberries, 1% milk (I know skim is better, but this is as low as I can go, haha). I need to do some research today on foods to get and make meal plans for the next few days.

For breakfast I usually have been having oatmeal and cinnamon and some fruit since it's been cold out, or other days i'll have bran cereal and fruit. Sometimes yogurt and fruit. Honestly, I don't really eat lunch that much, just a couple snacks throughout the day. Usually carrot sticks and some whole-grain Wasa bread. Dinner really varies alot throughout the week completely. I need to get more regulated on that I think. Sometimes it's just a salad or soup or baked sweet potato. But I think this week I'll try to have more baked chicken and veggies.

The whole point of this post really is just to boost my motivation for the next few weeks. I don't know if this sounds shallow or selfish or anything, but here's kind of my goal. I want to be at Christmas with family and cousins and stuff, and I want people to see a change. It's not that I want attention or anything, but I want there to be a noticeable difference. I think if I went from say... 122 to 110 there could potentially be a noticeable change? I just need to be sure to balance exercising and doing homework. I wouldn't want to be healthier if that means making bad grades too. That's still a priority as well. I just need to get that balance, and then that'd be fabulous.

Le Fin!

My mom makes me feel like a complete idiot.

I was just watching a movie, and there's this just random part of a song that always reminds me of 'The Little Mermaid' just because of some notes and the music and singing and stuff. I didn't think anything of it, so I turned to her and said jokingly, "This part always reminds me of 'The Little Mermaid!" and instead of her asking why or anything, she just gave me this look of pure disgust that made me feel so embarrassed and I just felt shot down.

I know that I'm a dork, but I thought I could be that way around my mom and and not feel ashamed of it. My dad, it's a different story. We just have a different relationship, and he I guess understands more. Mom just doesn't realize what she does when she ridicules things I do or say.

I just really was not in the mood to watch the movie with her after that, so I just went in the bathroom to cool off and probably stop blushing because I felt so embarrassed. I just hated that look she gave me. Just like anyone else would. It seemed to say, "Loser." and I just hated that. At least I felt like one. Thanks a freaking lot, mom. I really needed a good dose of reality.

5 hours later...

At this point my day had improved. I had to decided to go home to Austin for the weekend for a breather, I returned my crutches to the health center, FINISHED reading Hunger Games (awesome) and also just for fun managed to get some Christmas ice cream on sale at the store for a little festivity. I couldn't shake my mind off of Math. I was just dreading how if I did so poorly on my math test, then how badly could I had done on my biology test? I was determined with all my heart to do better on this biology test because I knew how much I wanted a B in this class.

As I was cooking soup for dinner, I casually checked my email and saw the title, "Exam 3" from my biology teacher, and I thought, "Oh god, this is it. She's either emailing me about needing to come to her office about a bad grade, or congratulating me. " I have to say, I really love this teacher by the way. She helped me study for the test in her office, even just a few hours after I sprained my ankle earlier that afternoon. (Seriously, I'm telling ya, I was determined to make a good grade on this test. I even hobbled to her office hours with crutches and a brace after spraining my ankle!)

I braced myself for what the email would entail, when I read,

"Hey Jane,

Just wanted to let you know that you did GREAT on your exam. I'm not supposed to send grades over email but I just wanted to let you know to check Blackboard.

Good job!
~Claudia"

I breathed a sigh of relief, then thought, "Wait a minute. Could this mean like the teachery 'hey, you passed with a 75! good job!' kind of thing? Was she just cheering me on to soften the blow? I knew the only way to know for sure was to check blackboard myself.

Scanning through the numbers and assignments, I braced for it.

Exam 3...... 101.5

101.5?!?!?!?! There has to be some mistake!!! I literally just exhasperated all my breath in shock. ONE HUNDRED AND ONE POINT FIVE??? Honestly, just thinking about it now leaves me a bit speechless. This was exactly the boost I needed after my Math fiasco. Math will still be a big hurdle for me to conquer, but this just proved to me one thing.

I. AM. NOT. STUPID.

I am not a failure. I'm not just a flunk who can only scrape by in school. No.

I can do this. I can do this!

Quite honestly, times like these truly reinforce my desire to be a teacher. Some people might read this and think, "How can you possibly be a teacher, when you aren't even good in school yourself?" But struggling through school like this can really help me relate to students who are struggling themselves.

This also made me ponder about my feelings earlier in the day. Nobody's perfect. As much as I want to be academically, I'm not. And you know what? Maybe those other people aren't either! Maybe they have a class that they just can't seem to grasp a hold on too. It may seem like everyone else is doing so much better than you are, but everyone has their problems. If someone saw my Biology grade, and they did less well then they hoped, then they might have been jealous and angry at me, just like I was at the people cheering in math class. But they wouldn't know. They wouldn't know that I too have flaws. I struggle in classes that you may be experts in! Nobody's perfect, but that doesn't make you a failure. Everyone has something that they excel in and fall behind in. I am so immensley proud and happy of my accomplishment today, and that just honestly gives me more drive to now prove my math teacher wrong! I may not get a B in the class, (hell, I'm just praying I'll pass it!) but I want to show her that I can do this. If I can make a 101.5 in Biology, then I can certainly even make an 81.5 in Math.

See what difference a little time can make

Earlier today, I thought I was having a terrible day and just had to blog about it to get it off my chest. I did not have my laptop with me, so instead I wrote by hand. This day has turned a full 180, but I thought I'd post my original 'rant' to compare my new viewpoint after a little time.

Today at noon. Sitting in the hallway outside my math classroom, just waiting to finish reading Hunger Games. But I could not focus on the book, so I had to get this off my chest.

"I know I'm not good at math, but I've been trying for years, and I just don't understand why I can't get it. I'm trying so hard in my algebra class, and I studied so much for this last test. I got a 64. Literally the first half of the scantron was all clean and correct, and then the last half was pure red. I hate that it seems no matter how hard I try, there's always one class that will always bring me down. I just keep thinking that this is just going to kill my gpa. I'm trying so hard to prove to my parents that I can do this- that I'm NOT stupid. I want to prove them wrong. I want to show them that I AM a straight A, or even straight B student, not just the flunk that I've been since High School. I hate that I hear everyone else cheering, "94! 88! I can't believe it!" and all I keep thinking is, "How?? Why??" Why not me? Why can't I do that? I TRY, I REALLY DO! I'm not gonna cry about this. I'm not! Why does this happen to me every year at every new school? I keep hoping this time it will be different, and it's not. I want to talk to my parents about this, and I don't because it's all what they've heard before, and they're just as sick and tired of it as I am."

It's true, I was having a very crummy morning, but just listen to that tone? So negative! I really need to get out of that. Looking back, I hate that I'm mad at other peoples' success, especially when I had quite the turn of events just a few hours later.

As I sat in the hallway , the thought came into my mind, "The biology test! Oh God... what if I failed that one too? I studied just as hard, if not more, and if I messed up on that one too, then what else is there?" I had come to the conclusion that I was a failure of a student, and that no matter how hard I tried, I'd be stuck in this rut and never get out of school, out of disappointing myself and my parents.