Time flies! Let's hope these next 3 years do too.

WOAH! 2 weeks since my last post???? When did THAT happen???

Anyways, I'm just exhausted beyond belief. I think I like my new school, but I keep having doubts. Some days I think, "Man, his was way better than TCU." Other days, I think, " HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO SURVIVE A PLACE LIKE THIS!!!"

Today was one of those days.

Feelings about today...

Frustrated

Lonely

Oversensitive

Scared

Stupid

Incompetent

Thirsty (I just really wanted a Dr. Pepper after this long day!)

Sad

Shy

Tears

I think this whole taking birth control pills thing (disclaimer: JUST FOR ACNE AND PERIODS) is starting to make me more hormonal, because I have felt a little more down than usual.

I tell everyone else, "Oh, UTA is GREAT!!! SO much better than TCU!" When really I'm thinking, "I'm trying to make this as best as I can, and I know it's only been 4 days, but... Why?"

How did I end up in a school like this? It is nothing like I would have wanted to do. Seriously, the one advice I will tell new college students is, "Don't ever think about *ducking it up. (I accidentally hit D next to some other letter, but I liked it :) ) Once you are in your dream school, do all you can to stay there! Cause once you're gone, you can never find a place like it." There is a reason I never even considered UTA. Because I KNEW it was something I was never interested in! I applied to 8 schools, got accepted to 5, and UTA was not even one of them. Everyone knows what kinds of schools are meant for them, and this just isn't mine. At least not yet. I'M REALLY TRYING, I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!!

I am just at UTA because of convenience. So I can just get a ducking degree :P

With all this duck talk, I should just be a biologist!

Tonight to try to make this better:

Read The Bible

Pray

Get Sleep

Wake up early and put on favorite music.

I really am trying to find the positive, but sometimes I just want to confront the frustration when I have it and just put it all out there! That's what this is for.

stupid

I am so stupid!

I'm tired as it is, and I've been listening to Adele's 'Someone Like You' on repeat for the past half hour, then I feel like I should make a really stupid decision. While listening to 'Someone Like You' I decide to look on facebook and see what my middle and high school crush has been up to. He's still as dreamy as ever... even more so now that he's all grown up. He still reminds me of Patrick Dempsey, and dear Lord, do I love Patrick Dempsey. Just makes me wish I really got to know him and maybe be with him. When you're in high school, you're just shy and dream from afar. You just see him sitting a few tables away in the cafeteria, or at the desk next to you and even if he asks to borrow a pencil, you really wish he was asking if he could get to know you more. You see him with his lame-ass girlfriend all through high school and you think, "I could be so much better than her." Sometimes (and I mean all the time) I just want to be with someone...

Hopefully I will learn this song on the piano soon, so I can pour my heart out into music.

Odd wedding dream

Another very strange dream last night- this one I've never had before.

In my dream, I was going to get married. I was the exact age and everything I am now, and people were in it that I recognized, but they weren't who they are in real life. In my dream, I was to be married to this pracitcally boy, and it was the weirdest thing ever! He was like only 19 or something, and he was just kinda dorky, and I had never met him. The wedding was all set and ready to go and everything, when I went to his family's house to practically meet the guy. We kind of just were talking, and even though he seemed like a nice guy and someone I could get along with, it wasn't someone I could marry. He seemed happy with the wedding, as did the rest of his family, and I think maybe mine too. They weren't in the dream though. After meeting him, I went walking around the little town with his mom. Talking to her, I was telling her that I had doubts about the wedding, and that this just wasn't someone I couldn't live without. At this point, my sister was with me too and she was agreeing with what I had to say. I went on this rant about how this is not how I want my lifetime of marriage to start. I need to marry someone who makes me a better person, who I can't live without, and who is someone I am truly, deeply in love with. I went on saying, "This is NOT my wedding! I want my wedding at Highland Park with either Dan or Cheryl as the minister, with flowers, and sky blue drapes (I don't know where that came in, but it did). I know what my wedding will be like, and this is not it."

I know why I had this dream. It's because I watched 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' right before bed, and the main character kind of goes through the same thing at the end. They are about to marry someone who isn't right for them, and they change their mind.

In the end of the dream, I explain to the mom that even though I would feel bad about all the money lost in the wedding, and all the guests being there, I couldn't go through with the wedding. Then I woke up and thought, "WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE WEIRD DREAMS I HAVE BEEN HAVING?!?!" That's when I went to Dream Dictionary...

Not quite sure what this means, but...

To dream that you are planning a wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side. The dream may also indicate that two previously conflicting aspects are merging together as one.

To dream that you are in an arranged marriage, suggests that you are feeling forced to do something you do not want to do. You feel that you have no voice or no choice in a situation. Consider how a waking situation may be making you feel voiceless.

I think the second one might have something to do with UTA...

Now I remember I also had a dream about being pregnant too!!! All I remember is this one scene where I as at Maw's house in Plano in the pink bedroom all alone, just looking out the window at the fields. I remember watching the grass and hay in the fields and just talking to the baby in my stomach. It was REALLY weird. Like, I looked pregnant! I think I had this dream because I have been helping my friend get ready for her baby, and we went to register at the baby store the other day. I did dream about what I would get someday if I ever had a baby. And in my dream, the baby was a girl. Yeah, pretty messed up stuff in my subconscious lately!

Sounds like this probably has to do with UTA too...

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Childhood vanishing right before my eyes

Last night's dream just about makes me cry. It was kind of about my childhood slipping away and everything changing. I know where this dream came from, and I will explain later. In this dream, I was with my Dad and Shalini, and we were at my old house in Zilker Park. The park people had been using the house as sort of storage, and also it had been another home at one time. There had been lots of renovations, like a whole new fireplace and bathroom and sparkly white tile in the entry room, and the room to get to the attic was all filled with junk. I just remember the place being filled with strangers from the park and thinking, "Get out of my house! You've done all these changes, and this place is falling apart!" But of course, I didn't say anything because this wasn't my home any more. I hadn't lived here for over 12 years, and it didn't belong to me. What makes me sad, is this dream is true.

When Shalini and I went over to Zilker Park to swim, I showed her the house, and let me tell you... it was all in ruins! Worse than the house in my dream. The fence was falling down with the weight of the overgrown trees, the screens on the doors were torn apart, and the shutters were dangling off the windows. Shalini and I walked up to the house and I just stared at it, thinking, "How could you let this happen to my house? It's such a magical place that should be preserved like a museum! You are ruining my childhood memories right here in front of my eyes!" After standing infront of the house for a minute, a park ranger came over to see what we were doing, and I explained to him who I was and that I had grown up here from 1990-1996. He told me that they were going to start using it as more stuff for the park rangers and I don't know why, but that just killed me. It's not meant for offices! It's meant for children to run and play and look out their bedroom window at night and see the Zilker Christmas tree glowing in the distance. It has the best upstairs attic to play hide and seek, and what about the little door in the master bedroom that you open up and see the plumbing pipes? Who will appreciate that? And the tall, narrow stairs that lead up to the attic in the laundry room- who will be there to walk up those stairs slowly and carefully as they cling on to their teddy bear? No one. This magical home gave me the best childhood anyone could ask for. I know I am one of the luckiest kids in the world to have lived where no other child has. No other children have lived there since, and that makes me sad. It has everything you could ever hope for, and I still wish that someday I could live there again. I know it is impossible, but the ultimate happiness for me would be to someday raise my own family in that very house. Or at least, be able to show them that house and say, "That's where Mommy and Aunt Mary Katherine and Grandma and Grandpa lived! I grew up there, and it was magical. More magical than the fairytales and Harry Potter books we read. More magical than Disney or even Narnia. It has some of the best memories of my life, and it will always be in my heart."

Dreamdictionary.com is an amazing website, and I love to use it! According to them, my dream means this...

To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings.

To dream that your house is damaged, indicates your waking concerns about the condition of your house.

In particular, to see your childhood home indicates your own desires for building a family and your family ideologies. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some unfinished feelings that are being triggered by some waking situation.