UTA

I really think I need to go to UTA. I love TCU so much, but it's not worth my parents paying all that money to go somewhere where I fail. I don't think I will at UTA, because let's face it, I think it'll be easier than TCU. I am not certain of that, but it's just an assumption. It will be a lot different, but unless I get in the College of Education at TCU, that's where I need to go. I will still live in my apartment in Fort Worth, and commute to Arlington, which is like 20 minutes way, 30 with traffic. I think i'd pretty much be in school (with commuting and class and everything) from like... 8-4. It's just an assumption, but I'm fairly certain that's what it'd be like. I'm just weighing my options here.

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I feel bad. I'm mad Mary Katherine made the Dean's List. I am. I'm mad at myself that i'm mad. One of us is making the deans list ,while the other is practically failing out of college. This is totally the wrong thing to do. I'm supposed to be HAPPY FOR HER INSTEAD OF FEELING HOW I TRULY FEEL!!!!!

I think i'm happy for her, it just reiterates to myself what a disappointment I am. I am trying so freaking hard and I feel like i'm always behind or below where I should be.

I'm feeling really mad right now, and even though it's only typed up, i'm going to try not to swear. So, i'm going to use the 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' approach and just substitute the cuss words.

Why the cuss can't I do this. I'm trying. I know these are two different schools, I just feel so cussing stupid when you compare the two together. I'm not usually like this!!! I want to be that one that gets straight A's, that the parents can say their proud of and really mean it. I'm not cussing stupid. I want to show myself that I can do this, so now i'm going to continue to study my cuss off for the rest of the day and keep working until I get a freaking A in this goshdarn class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST FEEL SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW!!!

I studied my butt off for the wrong lesson today in class, so I pretty much bombed the quiz. I literally wanted to jump up and scream with rage when I saw the quiz. 'What the cuss is this????? I didn't study for this?????' Why the heck did I study my butt off for something that I wasn't even supposed to?!?!?! COME ON!!!! WORK WITH ME HERE A LITTLE!!!!

SERIOUSLY. HERE WILL BE MY SCHEDULE FOR THE DAY

2:15-5:15 Study

5:15-6:00 Nap

6:00-7:00 Study

7:00-8:00 Dinner

8:00-9:30 Study

9:30-10:30 Pilates (I gotta have a little break!)

10:30-11:30 Study

11:30 Ready for bed

12:00 Sleep and get up at 7 to review before 9am test.

CUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peer Pressure and Change

My blog: Be The Change

I need to start living up to that.

So this weekend, I went to a good friend of mine's birthday party. Lately she has been making some less than desirable choices in life and I have been wanting to help her get back on track so badly! It's not that I can change people from growing up, but since when does growing up mean needing to make choices that are bad for you? A few of my friends since graduating high school have gone off the deep end, and have started partying, having sex, smoking, and who knows what else. They're still my friends, and even though we all love each other and have fun, I keep wondering, "What is it that made you choose this kind of life? What happened?" I didn't change all that much after graduation. At least, I don't think I have. Anyways, back to the story:

A friend, we'll call her Carrie, had her birthday this weekend while I was home. She has been going out with this guy (that I definitely do NOT approve of) for a while now, and the party was at his apartment. I asked Carrie what she was doing for her big day, and when she told me about the party at his place, I knew it wasn't going to be like my kind of idea of a fun birthday party (balloons, cake, fun time with friends, etc.) While this party had cake, there was also MAJOR drinking, smoking, drugs (I can only assume), crude comments and stories and lord knows what else. My friends greeted me at the door, and while I was overjoyed to see them, they were both completely wasted. Even though I am 21, (and for the record, most of the people there weren't 21) and can drink, it just doesn't really intrigue me. I'll have a margarita or cocktail where I can't taste the alcohol too much, but I feel terrible. Even though it was nothing, I feel like I gave in to peer pressure.

Everyone was drinking HARDCORE. Now i'm not talking like just some beer cans or a few mixed drinks here and there, oh no. It was full on shots of whiskey, and I actually don't know what else. What ever it was, they were not messing around. I sit at the counter with my friends, Carrie and Samantha, and the guys are pouring shots. They offered me one, and I told them I was hesitant, since I had never taken a shot, even though I just turned 21. Well that just egged them on, and even though I said, "I can't take a shot of cough medicine, much less alcohol." I did it with my friends. With the cameras rolling and pictures flashing, I felt like scum. I clinked glasses with my friends and took the shot of Crown Royal Black, one of the strongest and toughest whiskeys apparently. It tasted absolutely disgusting, and I felt like I was going to vomit. I immediately asked for water, which they gave me, and chugged water and crackers just to get the taste out.

I felt like I had sunk lower than I ever thought I could. I know this is nothing, but I felt so guilty! I think I felt so guilty because, you know what, in a way, I was almost proud of myself. I hate that. I think I was proud that I took a chance for once and actually did something 'bad' in my mind. The thing is though, it isn't really bad! I'm 21, and I had one shot, that's it! I don't know. I just felt so weird being in this kind of world for a few hours and thinking, "Why can't I save my friends? Why can't I just take them out the door and walk back to those high school days?" We had just as much fun crying over Titanic and Moulin Rouge and eating Amy's Ice Cream compared to drinking and talking about their crazy (and disgusting) sex lives.

I think they know what they're doing is wrong. If they didn't, they wouldn't hide it from their parents. If they didn't feel a little ashamed of what they were doing, then they would run to tell me everything instead of try to hide it because they know I would be disappointed in them.

I'm trying my hardest not to preach on a soapbox here, but I feel like i'm a dying breed.

1. Do I drink from time to time? Yes. But i've only ever had like... 4 drinks in my life or something! I don't really do it to 'get drunk,' it's just something I can do now that I responsibly waited until I was of age

2. Will I wait until marriage to have sex? Yes. Now this is in a way, an unfair question. The opportunity of le sex has not necessarily been offered per se, so it's not like i've had a 'choice,' but I know that God meant for sex to be between a couple married and in love with one another, and that honestly, sex is how you make babies, ok?? Do I want a baby right now? HECK NO! (I mean yes. I mean no! Well, kinda, no not really, hahaha) babies are just adorable, and while I'd be the most kick-ass mom ever (God willing) I know that I could not provide a stable life for a child unless I was married to the man who can be the greatest father in the world. I have seen too many people fall apart with unplanned pregnancies, and I sometimes just think to myself, "If you would have listened to God, He would have saved you alot of heartache!

I think what I'm trying to say is the world is changing so fast around me! I don't feel the need to change my ways, and I know I shouldn't try to change anybody- to each his/her own. But I can't help but wonder what will happen to my friends like Carrie and Samantha. I want to help them so much, but I don't want to fall down into the rabbit hole myself along the way. I am not in any way, shape, or form perfect, and I know that. It may sound silly, but I sometimes try to remind myself that when I start to judge others. There is so much I could say about my own problems, that I need to think twice before I condemn others for their actions.

I need to be that change.

Sleep

I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, and everything else. I hate that I keep letting myself and people down. It's been a long time of just disappointment for my parents, and even though they sometimes say that they're not mad at me, I feel like they are.

I don't want to transfer. I keep changing my mind back and forth about it, but I just don't. I hate how much money this costs, and I hate that I keep failing classes here. But when I wandered the halls of the TCU library for the umpteenth time today, I really realized how much I'd miss it here. I feel much more at home here than I have felt in a long time. My home in Austin is mostly just a place to feel uncomfortable and out of place. Here, I might sometimes feel a little bit like that, and it sucks, but it's better.

If only I got in the college of Ed. this would all be fine. Come on, people, let me in!!!!!! For the love of God, I want this, and whether you think so or not, I can succeed, and I will!!!!!!! I have been here for two years, and I don't want to transfer AGAIN. I also don't really want to be here for Child Development knowing it's something I'd be 'fine' with. I'm not going to make my parents pay a crapload of tuition for something I don't really want.

Now i'm going to try to go to sleep again. (I'm not saying this in a suicidal metaphor in any way!!!) I want to be able to just peacefully go to sleep and not have to worry about life. I know that this is part of it, and it's not meant to be easy, but I just want peace. relaxation. and oh yeah, Sadie. She's not here with me for the Maymester, and even though I know it's for the best, I miss her a ton!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that darn dog so much, haha. I've been noticing her aging in the face lately, and it makes me sad. I just can't ever imagine what it'd be like without her. I need her right now to keep me sane.

Sleep.