The Smell of Rain

Right now a thunderstorm is passing through Fort Worth. My window is open, and I can smell the rain passing by and feel the wind blowing in the room. Weather like this makes me very contemplative, especially on such a momentous day as this.

Today, I turned 20 years old. I think that is the first time I have written that down, or even really seen in front of me that I am 20. years. old. Gosh... 20! I'm no longer a teenager! But was I ever really? I mean, I did (and sometimes still do) the whole 'overdramatic, immature' teenager thing, but I never got into the stereotypical reckless 'Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll' phase that you always see in movies and TV. I feel like I am still a kid. Childish, naive, immature, and sometimes annoying. I don't feel on the same level as the people around me. It's weird- when i'm babysitting and stuff, of course I feel older and more responsible than the kids, but when i'm with people my age, or a few years older, I feel out of place.

Well anyways, 20 years old. What does that mean? Time to grow up? But what does GROWING UP even mean??? I feel like now that i'm 20 years old, I should have some kind of dignified air around me, although I have no idea why. I certainly don't see most people my age acting in a dignified manner, in fact, its usually the complete opposite. Maybe now that i'm 20, I should start to be more serious, responsible, and... I don't know... orderly. Does that sounds like lots of fun? No. I don't mean to sound like i'm being all pessimistic about turning 20. I don't think I think of it that way at least. Who knows, maybe turning 20 really isn't such a big deal after all. I'm just psyching myself out over nothing.

Maybe I'm just freaking out so much because this is the decade when you're supposed to make a life for yourself; get married, have babies, get a job, a mortgage (not all in that order, necessarily). And I want that. I really do. That might be what is scaring me about this whole 20 years old thing. I'm scared that I won't meet that social deadline that so many others pass by. Whatever happens, happens. I just have to know that whatever happens, it is meant to be.

If I'm turning 20, maybe my birthday list shouldn't contain kids movies and a kitten. Just a thought.

Live, Laugh, L'amour,

Jane

Just an update

I guess alot has been happening in the past few days. Let me say first of all, it just has been a good week! Not really too stressful, got some fun stuff fit in between classes and homework. The weather has been BEAUTIFUL the past few days, and it just makes me crave the warmth and sunshine in Spring and Summer. And it make me want to be tan again, but not all like "Hey! I'm gonna go to a tanning bed!" I just really miss it being really warm and sunny outside and relaxing by the water for the entire day. Its kind of like a present when at the end of the day you see a definite tan-line :P at least it is to me anyway!

In other news, I am confused as to what to do next year. Tuesday night, my best friend here at TCU told me she is thinking of transferring back home next year, and i'm like, "WHAAAAAT???!" I know its her decision and all, but I just really don't want her to do it. I have made very few true friends here, and I would HATE and i mean HAAATE to see her go. I think we've like helped each other and gotten to know each other alot over this past year, and we are (or were) planning on living together in a house next year. I was, and still am, completely stoked about this idea, and now if it doesnt work out, I have no idea where I would live next year. I sort of have another option which would be fine with me. My twin from my sorority is looking for another room mate for the apartments I love in currently, and I wouldn't mind doing that at all, its just that if that happened, then that means Meg wouldn't be here..... :( major tearing up! I WANT THOSE LIFE LONG FRIENDS PEOPLE MAKE WHILE IN COLLEGE, AND I AM TIRED OF LOSING THEM!!! I know I transferred last year, and I still have life long friendships there, but its just not the same. Anyways, I am just really confused and sad about what may come next year, and I know it would work out if worse comes to worse, I just don't even want to think of that as a possibility.

Any way, I also baked homemade cookies last night while watching Julie and Julia. I want a cool blog like that now, but I have no idea what it could be about...