The Smell of Rain

Right now a thunderstorm is passing through Fort Worth. My window is open, and I can smell the rain passing by and feel the wind blowing in the room. Weather like this makes me very contemplative, especially on such a momentous day as this.

Today, I turned 20 years old. I think that is the first time I have written that down, or even really seen in front of me that I am 20. years. old. Gosh... 20! I'm no longer a teenager! But was I ever really? I mean, I did (and sometimes still do) the whole 'overdramatic, immature' teenager thing, but I never got into the stereotypical reckless 'Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll' phase that you always see in movies and TV. I feel like I am still a kid. Childish, naive, immature, and sometimes annoying. I don't feel on the same level as the people around me. It's weird- when i'm babysitting and stuff, of course I feel older and more responsible than the kids, but when i'm with people my age, or a few years older, I feel out of place.

Well anyways, 20 years old. What does that mean? Time to grow up? But what does GROWING UP even mean??? I feel like now that i'm 20 years old, I should have some kind of dignified air around me, although I have no idea why. I certainly don't see most people my age acting in a dignified manner, in fact, its usually the complete opposite. Maybe now that i'm 20, I should start to be more serious, responsible, and... I don't know... orderly. Does that sounds like lots of fun? No. I don't mean to sound like i'm being all pessimistic about turning 20. I don't think I think of it that way at least. Who knows, maybe turning 20 really isn't such a big deal after all. I'm just psyching myself out over nothing.

Maybe I'm just freaking out so much because this is the decade when you're supposed to make a life for yourself; get married, have babies, get a job, a mortgage (not all in that order, necessarily). And I want that. I really do. That might be what is scaring me about this whole 20 years old thing. I'm scared that I won't meet that social deadline that so many others pass by. Whatever happens, happens. I just have to know that whatever happens, it is meant to be.

If I'm turning 20, maybe my birthday list shouldn't contain kids movies and a kitten. Just a thought.

Live, Laugh, L'amour,

Jane